Convince Yourself That Change is Possible and It Is What You Want

This article is reprinted from:

http://expertbeacon.com/convince-yourself-change-possible-and-it-what-you-want/#.UaODgNhZ6Kl

How many times have you said things like: If only I could lose these five pounds, I’d feel so much better. I would love to stop smoking, these things are so expensive. I want to go to the gym. I want to get in good shape for the summer.

If you’re like most people, you’ve had conversations like this about many things. Unfortunately, you haven’t figured out how to take that huge first step. Some of you have plunged ahead only to have the next step be the one that brings your change momentum to a screeching stop. Here are some ideas that will help you to start the change process.

 

 

 


Do think small change

People inevitably think about change in large chunks. This viewpoint is a setup for failure because if your goals are too big, it’s easy to become frustrated. Think about making your changes small – lose 1 pound this week, go to gym once. If you succeed with this goal, your can take on a bigger goal next time.

 

Do some part of the change

Sometimes when people make the decision to change, they feel overwhelmed. They don’t know where to start. Should I stop drinking, eat better, lose weight, work on my relationship? Sometimes it’s just good to do some part of the change. If I want to stop drinking, maybe I should: read about not drinking, read about celebrities who have stopped drinking, or remove all the alcohol from the house. These are all examples doing part of the change process.

 

Do the opposite of what you usually do

This is called the opposite theory. Let’s say that your goal is to meet the woman of your dreams. You continue to go to places to meet this woman and strike out every time. Opposite theory would suggest that you stop looking. Do activities that enhance your well being. Mister or miss right will show up when you are not looking for him or her.

 

Do keep good data of your change

Treat your change process like a good research experiment. Write down your starting weight and other measurements like BMI, etc. and do regular weigh-ins. Log in your data weekly so that you can see the change. Your perception of the change may be different than the facts. Stay with the data, not how you feel.

 

Do allow yourself to be ambivalent

Not everyone is sold on the idea of change. In fact, most people are not. There is usually the healthy part of the person that wants to change. There is also the safe and comfortable part of the person who does not. This is normal. There is no reason to beat yourself up about things that you should want to do but don’t, like “I should want to lose 25 pounds”. You will find your way when you are ready.

 


Do not beat yourself up for perceived failures

Change is hard. No one is perfect. No one changes perfectly. Change is always 3 steps up and 2 steps back. People learn more about change from their setbacks than from their success. Be gentle on yourself, accept that these setbacks are part of the change process.

 

Do not have unrealistic expectations

It’s easy to fail when you have set up way too big a step of change, “I will lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks” for example, or “I will be divorced by the end of the month.” Be realistic, the old adage “slow and steady wins the race” is applicable here.

 

Do not sabotage your successes

Ambivalence is the battle between the healthy part and safe part of yourself. Sometimes when people are succeeding in their battle to change, they set themselves up their failure – the all you can eat buffet when on a diet, the bachelor party when stopping drinking, etc. Identify the risk factors that could lead to a setback and don’t put yourself in harms way.

 

Do not feel that this is your only time to get it

Most people have several attempts at failed change before they get it right. All of these failures are actually success, because they give good information about the triggers that set up failure. They also highlight when change will be tough. When you are ready, you will succeed.

 

Do not get frustrated

It’s easy to get the “f*ck- its” about the change process and go backwards. Have patience with yourself and recognize that change is hard work. Allow yourself to have setbacks. You are human right? Remember the best hitter in baseball fails 7 out of 10 times. Have some stick-to-itiveness in the process.

 


Summary

It’s easy to do the same old same old over and over. It’s familiar, predictable and safe. You can have so much more but you have to take that first BIG step. Be aware that you may have pitfalls, but recognize that they are opportunities for learning. No one fails at change, they just get better at it. You can be safe and miserable or take the risk and be happy. You know which one works best. Hopefully you’ll pick the change side. Always remember that change is possible.

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Wizard of the Desert

Milton Erickson is the Godfather of change therapy. Prior to his work, therapy was about the patient talking endlessly and gathering insight into his or her problems. Erickson, a physician by trade, started using hypnosis to produce profound change in his patients. He was rejected by the psychological community at the time for not doing “real therapy”

This video, a trailer for a movie about him, gives a great overview about Erickson. It highlights his work as well as his handicaps. His work has inspired many of the people who appear on this video.  They have written books about Erickson and his therapy. Clearly his work has been influential to me since this website is titled “change is possible”

For more information about Erickson, refer to Jay Haley’s book about Erickson

http://books.google.com/books?id=VovkFZqQfMIC&pg=PA1&lpg=PA1&dq=milton+erickson+biography&source=bl&ots=Dbf6PkK4CZ&sig=oWNZK3GBs0MSiy7YKyLKk8nhBaE&hl=en&sa=X&ei=1wuUUfvgEcTc4AP6joHgBg&ved=0CEoQ6AEwBA#v=onepage&q=milton%20erickson%20biography&f=false

Enjoy this snippet about one of Psychotherapy’s most unknown therapist.

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GPS

As a resident of New Jersey, many of our roadways leave a lot to be desired.  Some are constructed with little logic others are just long roadways filled with construction and repair.  The worst of these however is the four way dance of hell: Rt 17/ Rt 4/ Garden State Parkway/ Rt 80 intersections around Paramus.

The other day I had the misfortune of driving in this area, but fortunately I had my GPS.  I plugged in the address and I was off to my destination.  When it said turn left, I turned left.  When it said make a right, I followed the command.  Blindly trusting my GPS, I followed her every direction and sure enough, in spite of the the tortuous  and confusing area, I reached my location.  Upon completing my mission, I reflected upon my blind faith of this mechanical device. I  made a decision to  turned my directionality over to my Garmin.  I thought about how interesting this is–many people will trust a machine to make them safe but do not listen to their internal GPSs to help them with important life altering decisions.  Why is it that we are so willing to turn left and right on the highway because Garmin says so, but are so unwilling to go left or right in life?  Why do we negate our own “gut feeling” and do unhealthy, illogical or irrational actions?

A typical GPS answers the questions:

Where am I ?

How do I get to my destination?

How long will it take to get there?

Many people come into my office asking similar questions.  Some of them do not know their “destination”- they just want it to be different from where they are right now.  Many of them have been “off course” for many years and have come to therapy for some map guidance.  They have been ignoring their own internal GPSs.   This has led to issues such as addiction, infidelity, depression or anxiety.  Some of them are so lost they cannot make a simple left or right; they are stuck.

How does a person begin the process of using their internal GPS? For many people this will be a hard task.  Some people are so distant from their internal mechanisms, that they either do not listen to their inner voice, or the voice they hear is a critical, self-destructive one.  They need to change their self- loathing  sounds to ones that have positive affirmation and positive self-talk.  Other people have GPS settings that are other directed.  These people lack confidence in their decision making and need lots of reinforcement and approval from others.  They need to work on healthy risk taking and challenging their “catastrophizing  what if” thoughts.  When people challenge these thoughts, they discover the world hasn’t ended and they are more competent than they initially believed.  Regardless of the degree of the issue, the person needs to rediscover their inner self and work on the belief that they are ok.  If they develop that inner confidence they can take better care of themselves.

For the sake of my own self care, I’m glad that my excursions to driving hell are minimal. On these occasions, my external GPS gets me to where I need to be.  Although working with an internal GPS is not quite as easy as putting in an address, the outcome of getting to where you need to be is quite rewarding.  Remember change is possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Female Sexual Addiction

If all addictions are shame based, then female sexual addiction is the “shame de la shame” of all addictions.
Here is a nice piece done by a Vancouver News station about female sexual addiction:

If this video struck a chord please look at this assessment:

WSAST 2

Feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss your answers. The shame only continues if you keep it a secret.

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Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert a long time movie reviewer with Chicago Sun-Times died yesterday after a long battle with cancer.

Roger was also a recovering alcoholic who in August 2009 told his story about his recovery.  His blog should be titled “AA 101” because he tells about  how AA  works from his own perspective.  There are AA program related materials as well as you tube videos that accurately describe alcoholism and recovery in movies.

Read the blog here

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Favorite books

My office is full of conversations.  Many are sad and painful.  Others are joyous and happy.  When a client has lots of pain, particularly in the beginning stages of therapy, they need as many resources as possible.  I will often recommend that a client get a particular book in order to continue their progress between our sessions.

At my pinterest  account, some of my favorite and most recommended  books are  pinned.  They are listed with a brief comment about each book. You can find the list  here.

Let me know which ones  you’ve read that have been helpful .  If there are ones that are not listed, let me know those as well.  Happy reading!!!

 

 

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The Question

What questions do you get asked over and over again about your practice?

My model of therapy involves having two way conversations.  Like most conversations, there are discussions and questions.  Some of the questions are logistical—payment, appointments etc, others are more therapeutic. The question that comes up more often is actually not directed towards me.  It is a question asked rhetorically by my clients about their right to have their feelings.  These are a few samples:

“Why should I be depressed?  I have everything that anyone would want.”

“Why should I be upset about my bonus?  There are so many people who don’t have jobs? “

“I really shouldn’t be upset about my husband talking to that woman at the party, should I?”

This sample of questions shows that people doubt their self perceptions and right to feel.  Self doubts then lead to self loathing about not only feeling these feelings, but having them in the first place.  Their self perception is that they are weak, shallow, and ungrateful people.  This process of invalidation followed by self loathing becomes a downward spiral of lower self esteem.  What a crappy process!!!

How do we change this process?  Give myself permission. What does that mean? According to thefreedictionary.com, permission means – approval to do something.  When I give myself permission, I am granting myself the approval to have feelings, and feel my feelings.  That is powerful permission!!  Permission also comes with its own self-talk channel.  This “channel” can run in my head at any time and tell me “it’s ok to have these feelings”; “it’s ok to feel these feelings”.  This ongoing permissive self-talk gives me the power to own my feelings.  They are mine after all!!!  Once I start the process of permission, I can then challenge my self doubts and self perceptions and can empower myself to be a more feeling person.  If I can own my feelings without the self doubt, I can then work on changing other bad patterns and cycles.

Remember, change is possible!

 

 

 

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An Amazing Story

From Lifecaster

“The Beast and the Angel”

Filmmakers:
Adam McKay and Shira Piven
Location:
Los Angeles, CA

As the teenage leader of the popular 1960s Detroit band, The MC5, Wayne Kramer is a pioneer in America’s punk rock music scene. Rolling Stone magazine listed Kramer as one of the top 100 guitarists of all time. Kramer and The MC5 believed that the power of music could change the world, but personal issues and drug addictions tore the band apart, and their dream died.

In the mid-1970s, Kramer pled guilty to a cocaine-dealing charge and spent two years in federal prison. The Clash wrote a song about Kramer during this time called JAIL GUITAR DOORS. During this devastating time for him, Kramer turned to music to heal his anger and pain. When he was released, Kramer continued to play music and perform, and then he co-founded Jail Guitar Doors USA as a way to continue to heal his pain and rehabilitate prison inmates by allowing them to communicate in non-violent ways through music.

But this is a difficult journey for Kramer. As much as he wants to put aside his past, he knows that in order to achieve his goal of helping others like him, he must enter a place he never wanted to return to, and somehow use his skills and his pain to reach current inmates through music to help them heal.

Kramer must now fight with prison administrators for access and convince prisoners to trust him. If he succeeds, Kramer will take a path that combines music and tragedy to reach the goal he’s had since he was a teenager: to show how music can change world for the better—one inmate at a time.

For more information: www.waynekramer.com

Kramer talks about how he made this significant change in his life:

change is possible

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