Reprinted from old blog Oct 27, 2009
After the Jets win over the Oakland Raiders on Sunday, I was reminded of the phrase that Al Davis the maverick owner of the Raiders is famous for: JUST WIN BABY
Couples need a version of his great slogan. Just Validate Baby!!!
In a previous post, I addressed the need for communication using the 15 words of less model of communication. If we take this a step further, communication can now have specific 15 words of less. It can have validation, a confirmation of the communication which tells the listener: I understand/ what you are saying makes sense to me/ you are not a martian.
Why is this so important? Let’s find out:
Person A: I’m really afraid that our kids are going to grow up to be bad people, I mean they do all these weird things?
Person B: Don’t be so dramatic, you always blow things out of proportion?
Person A: I can’t talk to you, you never listen to me; you always put me down.
Person B: Who could listen to you, you’re a crazy person!
So how’s this conversation going?
Let’s try it with a little validation:
Person A: I’m really afraid that our kids are going to grow up to be bad people, I mean they do all these weird things?
Person B : I understand that you’re worried about our kids. They’ll be ok, just a little growing pains.
Person A: Do you really think so? They’re just not like us at all?
Person B: Yes I do.
Ok so what’s the difference? Oh a conversation and an argument.
Validation is one of the simplest communication tools, because you just have to, er, um, validate!!!!! Don’t defend, explain, criticize, blame, attack. Just Validate Baby!!!!!
If you’re validating, you’re listening and paying attention. It probably means, you need to at least mute the tv, put down the laptop or blackberry. Most of us can’t listen and do these things at the same time. In our fast paced technological world, listening has become old school. Its easier to text, facebook, twitter or email. These one way communication methods require no listening skills. How would a person practice listening if the new school version requires none of it?
Validation enhances relationships and can lead to greater depth of communication and more intimate sharing. In a future post we’ll discuss how to do that, but for now—Just Validate Baby!!!
